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Welcome to the new Stream of Consciousness fiction blog.

A serial adventure in fiction by Brad Sondahl

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14
Lost in the city

    When driving, I like to navigate by landmarks.  I may not know the name of a street to turn on, but I know to turn at the Tastee Mart.  It's easy to find Lavender City--the lights and buildings loom above the local landscape.  The only catch to this if I drive unfamiliar territory, or especially to return home.  When you have a large city, most roads lead to it.  Unfortunately only one of those leads you home...

    Because of my navigational proclivity, I don't carry maps in the car.  Because I'm male, I don't like to ask for directions.  For the most part, this just results in a few extra gallons burned while I'm getting myself reoriented.   I know all the major routes through Lavender City, and I figure if you keep going long enough, you're bound to run into one of them.  Some of my natural bon vivant attitude began to deteriorate as the day was wearing on, and the places became more and more unfamiliar.  I saw huddled masses on street corners, stirring stew on 3-legged kettles over trash fires.  The roads went from four lane, to two lane, to one lane, with ox carts blocking half the street.  If I turned around, I knew there would only be dead end alleys to turn into.  Groups of children with rags wrapped around their feet stared at me with hungry eyes.  

    It was then that the car made the special kind of clunk that tells you there's no use looking under the hood--just look in the yellow pages...  I had my cell phone, but the street signs were all corroded, some of them with shaggy lichen hanging off of them.  When the car made the noise, the children all ran off, as if they had caused the car problem and didn't want to be caught for it.  Perhaps they had--I'm no car mechanic. At this point, I wanted, not revenge, but directions to a landmark I knew.

    There were grain elevators scattered about, but that was no clue--Lavender City was full of mills, many of them made derelict by the changing economy.  All I could tell from one of them was that Billy loved Lisa.  The paint was faded sufficiently that I figured the romance was done.  It was over for me, anyway.  I found a railroad and started walking along the tracks, hoping it would come to an identifiable road.   Some hoboes were burning autos to keep warm, after draining the windshield washer reservoirs for a cheap drink.  I decided to steer clear of them--they obviously had an attitude problem.

    To avoid them, I headed down a bank near the river.  Of course! The river!  It leads to
Lavender Falls, and downtown Lavender City.  There was a well beaten hobo trail, so I didn't have to fight the underbrush.  As I walked along, I was almost lulled into a sense of security, when a voice spoke right behind me:
    "Hey, buddy, got any industrial quality cleaning solvents?"
    "Uh, no," I said, quickening my pace.
    "You want some?" the obvious nut case asked me.  Every bit of his clothes were the brightest colors you can obtain at a thrift store, and many of them in a combination guaranteed to make your eyes water.  

    Why don't I ever meet any sane people? I wondered.  This was the beginning of my theory that everyone is crazy.  My counselor takes exception to this, but she's nuttier than average herself, and refuses to let me mention "minestrone" or "baseball" in any of my counseling sessions.  I never would have thought of mentioning either of them, but since signing an agreement at our first session that I would not discuss those two topics, slowly the obsession has been growing on me to try it and see what she'd do.  But given the legal document, I suspect that whatever else she might do, she'd probably sue.  I suspect she's crazy like a fox.
    While these thoughts flitted through my brain, the solvent salesman began looking at me askance.  I decided I'd better decline, in as polite a way as I could manage...
    "That's wonderfully kind of you, but I don't have any industries that need cleaning or dissolving right now, " I said, "but I'll call you if anything comes up."
    "Then let me give you my card," he said, and handed me a card that could use some industrial cleaning solvents.  Anathema Johnson, 
collector and purveyor of industrial cleaning solvents, the card read under the dirt.  Good grief!  He's not just another unstable bum looking to set me on fire to keep warm, but a poor schmuck salesperson not too different from myself...  I fished out  a card in return...
    "Banjo sales!  You might need some banjo cleaner," he pointed out, hopefully.
    "Well, mostly I sell new instruments that come clean from the factory, " I  said, then I added, diplomatically, "but if I take any dirty old ones as trade-ins, I'll keep your card in my wallet.   Say," I said, hoping to change the topic to one more useful to myself," do you know how far we are here from Downtown?"

    "It's not far," he said, but you'll have to make it through the Sons of Harley biker gathering and the Left Hand of Darkness rally that are happening along the river first. I'd say you'd have a better chance if you picked up a few stalwart companions and a shotgun...
    The Sons of Harley didn't bother me too much.  Sometimes they'd roll into the bars in my part of town, chug a few beers, make their bikes go chug chug squeal, and leave. But I'd never heard of the Left Hand of Darkness.
    "So what is the Left Hand of Darkness?"  I asked.
    "Militant Southpaws," he said.  "Lefties who won't stop until we all learn to write from right to left, so the right handers can get ink all over their hands for a change..."
    "That's fiendish!" I said.  "You mean to say there are still some people who are writing things long hand? I thought that died with the personal computer..."

    Our theoretical discussion was interupted by a bat wielding woman with her face obscured by a catcher's mitt.
    "Minestrone!" she screamed, and ran towards us.   Suddenly she stopped dead.
    "Phil Steen!" she said.  "What are you doing here?"
    "Would this be the proper time to discuss minestrone, Doctor?"  I asked politely.
    The next thing I knew Anathema and I were rushing into the water to avoid the flailing psychiatrist.  She waggled the bat at us angrily, holding it high in her left hand, as we floated downstream.

    We got out well short of the waterfall.  I'd done waterfalls, and had no great desire to repeat the experience, in spite of some people claiming there were no waterfalls on that creek...
    'So," I said to Anathema.  "Do you think I should keep my next counseling appointment, or just start looking for a lawyer?"
    "Well," he said, "I'm no lawyer, but unless you had scheduled  a major brain adjustment via baseball bat, I wouldn't say that "minestrone" was discussed in a formal  therapy session, so you should be exempt."
    "I'm beginning to think that everyone is crazy," I said.
    "That's true," he said, "Except for me.  Industrial cleaning solvents are just my job, not an obsession."
    "That's a relief."
    "The only thing I feel strongly about is alien abductions.  They're all totally bogus. "
    Dang, he had me there.  I don't make a point of discussing my abduction, but abduction deniers make my blood boil...

    If I were English, I might have said that Anathema and I departed "brass rags," but since I'm not English, and don't really understand the implications of the colorful phrase, let's just say that we left on a sour note.

    Fortunately I was now oriented in time and space, and ready to buy a replacement vehicle at Walt's, since he had one in stock.  And since I knew Sprague from one end to the other, I was able to get home in time for supper.
   


Use this chart to find the next of the cartoons (first 47  entries) or the stories (starting with  1 A River Too Far 5 rows below week 8)
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Week 45
Week 46
Week 47
(cartoon ends)
1. A River Too Far
2.The Reunion
3.The Daily Grind
4 The New Car and Treasure
5. The Big 
Bambootees
6. The old
Switcheroo
7. The Ravine Runner 8. The Fabulous
Folk Festival
9. Druid
Fluid
10. Goats of
Christmas Past
11. The Secret Six 12. The Great
White Hunters
13. The Old School
14
Lost in the City
15
Schlemiel
Possession

16
What's in
a name?
17
The Curse of
Bently Manor
18
Shortbottom Possessed
19
The Lost
Treasure
of Iraq
20
Phil Steen
for President!
21
Phil Steen
for Rehab
22
The Adventures
of Handiman
and Fiberwoman
23
Quantum
Uncertainty
revealed
24
Pirates of the Puget Sound
 25
Building a platform, plank by plank
26
The Quest
for meaning
27
Larry and
Phil to
The Rescue
28
Hurrah for
the Reds,
Whites, and
Blues
29
Phil
loses
his
mind
30
Earth
Strikes
Back
31
Harry
the
Potter
32
How I spent
my summer
vacation
33
Help
I am
trapped in
the Present
!
34
Help I am trapped
in the future
35
The
Nose of Death
36
Infectious
Laughter
37
Election
Update

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