suppose I should be bothered by the mind control device my alien
overlords installed on my spine, but they must have some very good
drugs, because I don't mind at all. Of course when you've been
through all the alien abductions and demonic possessions that I have,
parasitic brain control isn't much of a stretch. As a kid, I
always hoped Captain Kirk would tell Scotty to beam me up, so I guess
this is almost as good. It's certainly been good for the campaign
coffers. Now that I'm in solid with the Vortibol Mind Leeches, they've
offered to fund my campaign. Remember, if someone knocks on your
door and offers you a pod, resistance is futile. Also you'll
vote for me whether you were previously inclined or not. So, yes,
things are looking good.
EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS LARRY. I'M PHIL'S FRIEND, WHETHER HE STILL
KNOWS IT OR NOT. I'VE HACKED THIS WEBSITE BECAUSE PHIL HAS GONE
OFF THE DEEP END WITH THIS MIND LEECH STUFF. I MEAN, I KNOW I GET
ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT NEW SPORTS CRAZES, BUT PHIL'S COLLABORATION WITH THE
ALIENS REALLY BOTHERS ME. I MEAN, IF THESE GUYS WIN, IT'S GAME
OVER FOR THE WORLD...
Okay, I got the caps lock off, and I've got control of Phil's machine. I've just found the Vortibol Mind Leeches' plan
for world domination. Good thing they did it in MS Word format, and it showed up on the list of recent documents,
so I can read it... Oh wow! Phil was right! They plan
to get him elected President, then send pods to everyone in the country!
This sounds like a new sport to me--alien bashing... But I'm
not sure if I can turn the tide by myself. I'm going to
recruit OD Esse, who is more of a professional adventurer. Until
the alien scourge is vanquished, this will be the news center for Earth
Strikes Back--the alien resistance.
OD speaking, or typing, as
the case may be. Larry is a good chap, but weak on strategy.
I've always found, when confronted with a rampaging elephant,
it's good to have a plan in mind. Usually it's Run like the
Dickens.... Unfortunately Larry assures me that this will not
work, when everyone in the USA has been converted to alien mind slaves.
I suppose it won't help to fly to Rio, either, even though that's
frequently my second thought. Well, given that we've got to
fight, even if Resistance is technically Futile, we should start with
Phil Steen, who seems to be critical to their plan for world
domination, as stupid as that may seem. I'd have thought they'd
pick a real mover and shaker, like me, for instance.
Now if Phil were a full fledged zombie, I guess we'd have to destroy
his brain to take him down. Since it's more a case of parasitic
attachment, rather like the Lumbago worms I encountered in Lower
Botswana, it seems like one of us will have to distract him while the
other one removes the parasite from his body. I hope it's not too
messy... Larry and I are scheduled to play poker with Phil
tonight, so we'll give it the old college try...
That was just what I like, adventure with a bit of a tussle,
particularly when I come out on top. The fourth guy for poker was
Erdimore, the Druid Extremist, who,
as usual, didn't have a clue as to what was really going on. It
was amusing to see the look on his face when Larry and I folded on the
second hand, then grabbed Phil and held him down while pounding on his
back with a fireplace poker. He was pretty indignant, until the
thing, that looked like a yellow snorkel tube, went slithering off Phil
and we finished bashing it into a pulp. Erdimore talked about how
all of creation is sacred, till the thing puked green junk on him, at
which point he beat on it as well. Phil kept insisting we should
reattach it, so we knocked him on the head, and had to put him to bed
with a 24 hour watch, till he hopefully returns to his senses.
Score one for the good guys!
This is Erdimore writing, since Phil is still a little out of it.
Much as I favor peaceful coexistence with our alien neighbors, I
think mind parasites are a bit much. I mean, I can handle the
fact that black widow spiders and praying mantises tend to kill the
ones they love, so to speak, and I'm in agreement with Darwin that
Nature is Red in Tooth and Claw. But I think these aliens are a
bit like exotic noxious weeds, okay on their own planet, where the
minds they take over are probably totally happy about it.
However, when it comes to having yellow snorkel things attached
to my spine, that's where I draw the line.
I want to thank my friends for keeping this adventure documented while
I was indisposed. I am totally back to normal again. I
would happily consent to being enthralled to my alien overlord buddies
again, but I understand that some people might have qualms about this
in a President, so for the time being I will not allow any more snorkel
things to be attached. But don't worry about them, they mean the
OD is back again--we read what Phil
had written yesterday and decided to give him another knock upside the
head. We expect another day or so and he'll be ready to lead the
free world against the alien mindsuckers. Or he's going to have
one sore noggin after a while... Meanwhile I've organized a
bunch of vigilantes to go out with sticks and beat suspicious people on
the back with them. We're starting to get some weird looks from
people--not sure if they've got the parasites or they're just
peaceniks. In any case, we are equal opportunity flailers.
This is Erdemore again. Phil is still in bed with a headache.
Meanwhile OD and Larry are in custody for assaulting 232 people.
Apparently these snorkel things aren't as widespread as OD
and Larry were led to believe--none of those assaulted showed any trace
of mind parasites. Larry called me from jail to say that he's
decided to give up this latest extreme sport of alien bashing. I
guess we'll just let the aliens do their thing. If they take over
the government, it's possible there won't be any noticeable changes
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