I
can't believe the confluence of critical events occurring on this 4th
of July. Besides the usual 4th festivities, which generally bring
out in force the Bureau of Alcohol, Firearms, and Whatever Else is Fun,
I've decided to deliver a soap box speech at the Park as part of
my run for President. I also have been asked to provide some
music for the town festivities, including blues. Being white by
nature, this only leads one to wonder where the Reds are, to make this
chapter complete.
When I decided to run on
the Let's Party platform, I knew it would be an uphill battle. So
I've decided to appeal to moderates of all persuasions as the base of
my constituency. Moderation in all things, said the Buddha, I
think, so all moderates, including Buddhists, should hurry now to show
their support for me, Phil Steen. It's a typical tactic to not
refer to your adversaries by name or party affiliation, as doing so in
some way apparently validates their existence. While this seems a
bit odd to me, who am I to question candidates, some of whom have won
actual elective offices? That's a rhetorical question, so you may
put your hand down...
Besides reaching out to
moderate liberals and conservatives, whatever their putative party
affiliation, I'm also willing to proselytze more esoteric fringe
elements of our society. Moderate communists who have embraced
capitalism are as welcome as Chinese consumer goods in my umbrella
organization.
What about neonasties, you might ask?
Moderate neonasties who have embraced human rights are welcome,
although there have been no takers so far.
Searching for moderate
extremists has not proven to be a high yield strategy. But
I have gotten some letters of inquiry from Earth Second supporters...
The Swiss Army Knife enthusiasts have shown some support also.
While I enjoy sharing my inner workings with you through my blog, I
really must get to work on my stump speech. So here goes:
"There's a fresh wind blowing in America today! I hope it
is a moderate wind, and not a gale, nor a sickly stagnant air mass
leading to drought and global warming. That's why I'm here today.
For you--the little people--no matter what size your waist
lines-- I know you are hungry. Hungry for the things that made
this country great! Apple Pie! I'm for it! Sounds
good, doesn't it? And why not? Is there anyone here who is
against apple pie? But what about the ice cream?
Yes, we must always be vigilant. If you want it with ice cream,
why say "Ala mode?" Have not the French made deep enough inroads
into our national psyche? Let them eat escargot, I say.
But not on top of our OUR APPLE PIE! Merci I DON'T THINK
Beaucoups, thank you very much.
What's wrong
with America today? America is out of gas! Somebody fell
asleep at the wheel, and the gas corporations are making us pay for it.
If the President of the USA pays over $3.00 per gallon for his
gasoline, isn't that a dangerous precedent? That's precedent with
3 e's, as opposed to 2 e's...
What I'm saying is, if
expensive gasoline is good enough for the President of the USA, it's
probably good enough for you and me. Currently gasoline costs as
much as milk, but it still has a ways to go to cost as much as bottled
water. Be glad you don't have to put bottled water in your
tanks...
What about issues critical to all Americans? Now I'm sure that America is
wondering how I feel about disfunctional stars going in and out of
rehab. I think when they are out, they should be in, and vice
versa. By doing this continually, we don't need to worry about
foreign policy, as our whole news media will be tied up covering the
stories. Perhaps a system of stats such as sports fans use will
develop, and play by play commentary as well. "Well Frank,
Britney came into the season with a 1.3 day Average Rehab Stay score,
but Lindsey has got her beat in the Diva Demands category. Meanwhile
Paris has won the 9.2 Media Frenzy Feed Award, so the whole season is
still up in the air. " In actual fact, I support all
the disfunctional stars, in moderation.
The issues with health care and big oil are the same. They want
us to dump all our cash in a bag and give it to them. So I don't
expect to see any changes in either area. The good news is that
before long we'll all need smaller bags. This will lead to
moderation in all things, except for drug companies and oil companies,
who will use a moderate share of their largesse to grease the palms of
their politicians.
Use this chart to find the next of the cartoons (first 47 entries) or the stories (starting with 1 A River Too Far 5 rows below week 8)
